My family.

I am fully aware that this will be the third time I have started a journal. I am hoping that this time around I will be able to write in it on a regular basis, you know what they say -- third times a
charm...

So for the first time since I have started writing, (I started probably 2 years ago or so & have been writing on & off since,) I am actually writing about how unhappy I am. Usually I write about how happy & lucky I am etc. - these days, not so much. It sounds so stupid because there are SO many people in this world with problems that I cannot even begin to fathom.

I think a very large part of what is wrong with me is that I miss home. Yes, I have been homesick before when I've been away at school, but most of the time it comes & goes. This year I have missed home every single day since I left & all I can focus on is going back. I am 22 years old, there are people without families, or people who live thousand upon thousands of miles away from them & don't give it a second thought daily. I however do have a family & one that I miss very much. I haven't been home since I left for school & it is really starting to get to me. When I graduated from highschool, I couldn't WAIT to get out of my house. I had no worries about leaving & being out on my "own." The summer after my freshman year my mom & I clashed so much that again, I couldn't WAIT to leave. (I'm sure she couldn't wait for me to leave either!!) Now, a few years later, I find myself counting down the days, hours & seconds until I get to be with my family again. It's strange what a few years can do for one's maturity. I am not saying I have completely matured by any means. I am saying, however, as we get older, for many of us something inside clicks. We realize our own mortality as well as that of those around us. We realize these people who we have been with all of our lives will not be around forever. I have begun to appreciate my family in a way I never knew that I could or for that matter would. I really believe that part of it is because they have given me the opportunity to go away & be on my own. I don't think that I would have this kind of appreciation for them if I had simply stayed at home.

This brings me to a whole different type of problem. I graduate in a year. Then what? I have always talked about moving away, going to New York, someplace different, new & exciting, but when it comes down to it, I honestly don't think that I could leave them again. I will have been apart from them for 5 1/2 years & to me that is plenty of time to grow & change & have new experiences without them. Now I want them with me. My values have completely changed even from just a year ago. I'm not saying I want to live in my parents basement for the rest of my life because I enjoy being on my own & "independent." I'm not even saying I have to live less than two hours away, it can be more. But I'm finished here I want my parents & Jackie to be close. I want to be able to drive to their house for Thanksgiving & Christmas or vice versa. I want to be able to meet them for dinner. When I get married & my husband & I have our first fight I want to be able to go to my parents house. I want to be able to have cookouts for the fourth of July. When I have my first baby & I have no clue what in the hell I am doing I want my mom to be able to be there when I cannot for the life of me figure out why they are crying, not 15 hours away. I know it sounds crazy to be thinking of this, but it was once something Kristen said to me & the more I think about it the more I realize it to be true. Some people are able to live without their families & only see them on holidays & special occasions, I however am starting to see that I don't think I can be one of those people. With all of that said, I feel a little better, not much, but a little because I know that I'll be home on Saturday & that will make a world of difference, but for now at least -- that is all I want to do. Dorothy really had it right, there really is no place like home, if only I had a pair of little red shoes that could get me there faster....

Love, Me