What a good cup of coffee can do.

I can't say I have ever really felt completely, utterly inspired to write. Usually I think, I need something therapeutic I should write or I haven't updated in a few days, I should write. I just wrote my 100 things list last night so I know I don't need to update. Also, I am feeling okay today so it's not that I need something therapeutic to see me through the rest of the day. I had a sip of coffee and all of a sudden I needed to write. I was basically inspired to write about the sip that I had just taken, what an odd feeling.

I woke up this morning and made my first pot of coffee of this year. I have tried to let go of this gripping caffeine addiction since the beginning of this summer. I was even doing well, (as in I didn't have to have it everyday, more than once a day, well) until I went to Arkansas with my mom this past fall break. I had gotten to the point at the end of last year where if I didn't have caffeine my head would pound & I would be all out of sorts. After Arkansas all of my hard work went down the drain -- I was once again an addict. I have been told before that if I'm going to be addicted to something I shouldn't have such a worthless addiction, however, I have just decided this addiction is far from worthless. The smell of fresh coffee reminds me of my grandparents house & cottage, it was with them that I had my first cup of black coffee. (Which most of the time is how I still take mine.) The aroma reminds me of Saturday afternoons & Sunday mornings at home & sitting around after dinner with friends and family. For me, half of the appeal of coffee is its nostalgic value. To me right now there is nothing more perfect than each sip that I am taking as I am writing this. I have my tinkerbell coffee mug - which I love because it portrays all of her personalities and at times I feel a lot like her. Happy, sad, mad, laughing and of course bratty all at once. I am all toasty warm inside drinking my coffee while the wind is blowing and it's 36° outside and I really can't think of a more perfect way to start today.

Love, Me


*Faith Trust & Pixiedust*

100 things about Kayte Marie

1. I love the color pink.
2. I used to love the color purple.
3. My room at home is ALL lavender. (Seriously!)
4. My room at school is white, we're not allowed to paint our apartment.
5. I would paint at least one wall of it pink if I could.
6. I squeal really loud when I see a dashaund. (Obnoxiously loud & high pitched and usually scare the living crap out of everyone around me.)
7. I will own at least one dashaund before I'm 30.
8. I also want to be married before I'm 30, but I refuse to settle for just anyone because of this fact.
9. I want my wedding reception to be at the Crystal Garden at Navy Pier or the ballroom below it.

10. I will NEVER be able to afford this because I have to pay for my own wedding, but it will always be a nice (unrealistic) thought.
11. I have to pay for my own wedding because my parents paid for me to go to college.
12. I am more grateful for this than I think they know.
13. I am happy I went to college, even though it has been the most challenging experience of my life.
14. I can't WAIT to be done with college.
15. The future makes me really nervous.
16. So do planes and flying.
17. I am not afraid of commitment though.
18. I love the feeling of being in loved & being loved.
19. The people I love most are my parents & sister.
20. My sister & I call eachother "Pants."
21. It's nice to have an inside joke with her that we won't explain to anyone but our parents.
22. I am obsessed with Christmas.
23. I think it's partially because of the lights, the trees & the snow.
24. I mostly think it's family time.

25. I want to get engaged around Christmas time, I really believe it's the most romantic time of the year.
26. I think the city of Chicago looks the most amazing at Christmas.
27. I used to think it was New York City.
28. I thought this until I realized Chicago was really my home.
29. I want to live on the North Side of Chicago when I graduate.

30. This is about as realistic as my wedding reception at Navy Pier because I will never have the money.
31. I will probably make less than $35,000 for the rest of my life.
32. I don't mind this, I changed my major to help others, not to make money.
33. Changing my major was the second best decision I've ever made in my life. (From Special Education to Youth Adult & Family Services & I just did it this year as a 5th year.)
34. The first best decision I ever made was transferring to Purdue.
35. I don't regret going to Saint Joe's.
36. I did regret how I behaved while I was there.
37. I no longer regret things. I feel that every decision I have made in my life has shaped the person I have become today. Regrets are a waste of time.
38. Worrying as a waste of time too, but I do that. I especially worry about things I can't control. I am fully aware that this is ridiculous.
39. I do a lot of ridiculous things.
40. One of them is not letting my food touch. I go as far as wiping off off my plate or getting a new one before putting something new on it.
41. Another ridiculous thing I do is check all of the closets in my apartment and under my bed before I go to sleep.
42. I do this regardless if my roommate is home or not.
43. I also do this at home where there are 3 other people & a dog aside from myself sleeping.
44. I am obviously kind of neurotic.
45. I have to eat my food either really hot or really cold. So hot that most people can't eat it & so cold that I put my milk in the freezer before I drink it.
46. I pronounce milk with an "E" not the "I"
47. My favorite food is cheese, of any kind.
48. I have random cravings for cottage cheese. My roommate does the same thing, I think that is why we get along so well.
49. I didn't really know my roommate before we moved in together.
50. She is now one of the people I can't live without & is one of my very best friends.
51. I still have 2 of my best friends from before I was ever in highschool.
52. They are Kristen Shelton & Jenny Lounsberry.
53. I'm in Jenny's wedding in June. I can't believe she's getting married. She is my first close girlfriend to do so.
54. I've never stood up in a wedding... the thought kind of makes me nervous even though I know everyone will be looking at the gorgeous Jennifer & Robbie. They are so attractive, they're going to have beautiful children.
55. I want 2 kids or 4 kids. No odd numbers. I want to be a stay at home mom eventually.
56. I like the names Faith & Noah. I really like the name London but my mom has told me she refuses to have a granddaughter with the name of a city.
57. I love the smell of clean laundry.

58. I love the smell of vanilla bean noel from bath & body works, ralph lauren - romance, and I still love the smell of curve for women. I own all three but will only use vanilla bean noel in the fall and winter. (I told you I was neurotic)
59. I also secretly love the smell of garlic.
60. I put garlic in every meal I cook for dinner. If I ever encounter any vampires I know that they will run.
61. If I could I would add cheese to everything too, especially fresh grated parm.
62. My little sister gave me a cheese grater for my birthday (amongst a lot of other things.) I think it's one of the coolest things I own.
63. I could eat Mexcian food pretty much everyday.
64, I do eat it a lot but everytime I go to a restaurant I can never decide what to order.
65. Once on a date in highschool, I was so indecisive about what to order, I got so pressured & on the spur of the moment I ordered the fried fish dinner at Bennigan's.
66. I hate fish but ate it anyways so I didn't look stupid.
67. I love shellfish though.
68. The best cookout I have ever been to was a fish boil this summer, we had crab legs, lobster and shrimp. We made it all ourselves & drank Pino Grigio.
69. My favorite wine is Santa Margarita Pino Grigio.
70. Again, something I can't afford that often but at times I do spoil myself and buy it anyways.
71. My favoite beer is Guinness.
72. My favorite light beer is Miller Lite.
73. I'll drink almost any beer if it's cheap & any beer if it's free.
74. I am friends or on good terms with almost every guy I've ever dated.
75. My sister does the same thing, it makes me proud.
76. My sister often makes me proud..

77. She's one of the 3 people I admire most.
78. The other two people I admire most are my Mom & Dad.

79. I admire my mom because she keeps our house & family together. She was an only child & has no family left, including her parents. She is really strong. I am a lot like her & I find it to be a compliment when people tell me this.

80. I admire my dad for opening up his own business & for his dedication to hard work. He is the hardest working person I think I have ever met. He has made a lot of sacrifices to give us things he never had. I hope that my future husband is like him in that way.

81. Once, my junior year in highschool, we all went to Hawaii.
82. I want to go back, and with my family. Then I would like to go again with the family I start someday, or at least with my husband the first time.
83. After Hawaii, I refuse to eat canned pineapple because I ate fresh pineapple everyday while I was there.
84. I also refused to eat any kind of frozen veggies except peas & any other kind of canned fruit for that matter.
85. I am fully aware of the fact that this makes me sound like a spoiled rotten, picky brat.
86. The truth is I am spoiled rotten & rather picky.
87. I think being picky is just a sign that I really know what I want.
88. I do know what I want but a lot of times I'll let other people get what they want instead if it will make them happy.
89. I really like to make others happy even it it means that I'm not.
90. I consider this to be a positive characteristic as well as a flaw.
91. I love the Chicago Cubs & Chicacgo Bears
92. I hate the White Sox, Colts & Green Bay Packers.
93. I have been to as many Sox games if not more than Cubs games.
94. I work for a former Green Bay player, Jared Tomich. He is a teddy bear but still makes me so nervous. He didn't make me nervous until I found out who he was.
95. I work at Zuni's in Highland, Indiana.
96. I am a damn good waitress.
97. It's one of the few things I give myself credit for being really good at.
98. I don't give myself credit for much.
99. I would like to become a better writer.
100. One of the reasons for this journal is to help me do that.

Do, Re Me-me

Since all of my recent blogs have been rather depressing - (re-reading them kind of makes me go "ugh I'm that sad girl") (Which in all honesty I have been down but I KNOW that there are people out there with problems that I can't even compare mine to. I'm sure that "this too shall pass.") I thought I would complete this little survey thing I stole from Sammy to make everyone (including myself) alittle happier!

Three names I go by
-Kayte
-Kaytedid
-Kaytelan Marie (Even though my real name is JUST Kayte)

Three screen names I have or had
- KrazChorse (pronounced crazy - seahorse)
- Bonfire721
- Purplegizzy214

Three physical things I like about myself
- Smile
- Freckles
- Eyelashes

Three physical things I don't like about myself
- Upper thighs
- Butt
- Small Calves (Weird I know)

Three parts of my heritage
- Irish
- Czeck
- Sweedish

Three things that scare me
- FLYING
- The future
- The dark (fully aware of the fact that I'm 22)

Three of my everyday essentials
- caffeine in any form
- Mascara
- Baby Lotion

Three of my favorite musical artists
- Lucky Boys Confusion (Local Chicago)
- Triptii (Very local - Naperville, IL)
- Recently - Coldplay (Thanks to Matthew & Nick & this summer!)

Three things I want in a relationship
- Honesty
- Passion/Emotion
- Loving that person for who they are & being loved for who I am - no changes or alterations for either of us.

Three lies and truths in no particular order
- I love Christmas in a very ridiculous way
- I love tomatoes
- I hate snow

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me
- Eyes
- Sense of Humor
- Level of Manliness (It HAS to be high!)

Three of my favorite hobbies
- Watching Sitcoms
- Cooking
- Cat-napping

Three things I want to do really badly right now
- Go Shopping
- Get a hug
- Shower (I'm on my way in a minute I promise!)

Three Places I want to vacation
- Hawaii
- Ireland
- Italy

Three kid's names I like
- Noah
- Faith
- London

Three things I want to do before I die
- Start my own family
- Live in a big city
- Own at least one dashaund

Three ways that I am stereotypically a boy-
- I love red meat... haha seriously I do
- I could wear sweats everyday
- I like to drink beer

Three ways that I am stereotypically a girl
- I refuse to go anywhere without make-up on
- I am overly emotional
- The day I get my hair done is the greatest day of my life every few months!

Three celeb crushes
- Dr. McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy
- Colin Farrell
- Johnny Depp

My family.

I am fully aware that this will be the third time I have started a journal. I am hoping that this time around I will be able to write in it on a regular basis, you know what they say -- third times a
charm...

So for the first time since I have started writing, (I started probably 2 years ago or so & have been writing on & off since,) I am actually writing about how unhappy I am. Usually I write about how happy & lucky I am etc. - these days, not so much. It sounds so stupid because there are SO many people in this world with problems that I cannot even begin to fathom.

I think a very large part of what is wrong with me is that I miss home. Yes, I have been homesick before when I've been away at school, but most of the time it comes & goes. This year I have missed home every single day since I left & all I can focus on is going back. I am 22 years old, there are people without families, or people who live thousand upon thousands of miles away from them & don't give it a second thought daily. I however do have a family & one that I miss very much. I haven't been home since I left for school & it is really starting to get to me. When I graduated from highschool, I couldn't WAIT to get out of my house. I had no worries about leaving & being out on my "own." The summer after my freshman year my mom & I clashed so much that again, I couldn't WAIT to leave. (I'm sure she couldn't wait for me to leave either!!) Now, a few years later, I find myself counting down the days, hours & seconds until I get to be with my family again. It's strange what a few years can do for one's maturity. I am not saying I have completely matured by any means. I am saying, however, as we get older, for many of us something inside clicks. We realize our own mortality as well as that of those around us. We realize these people who we have been with all of our lives will not be around forever. I have begun to appreciate my family in a way I never knew that I could or for that matter would. I really believe that part of it is because they have given me the opportunity to go away & be on my own. I don't think that I would have this kind of appreciation for them if I had simply stayed at home.

This brings me to a whole different type of problem. I graduate in a year. Then what? I have always talked about moving away, going to New York, someplace different, new & exciting, but when it comes down to it, I honestly don't think that I could leave them again. I will have been apart from them for 5 1/2 years & to me that is plenty of time to grow & change & have new experiences without them. Now I want them with me. My values have completely changed even from just a year ago. I'm not saying I want to live in my parents basement for the rest of my life because I enjoy being on my own & "independent." I'm not even saying I have to live less than two hours away, it can be more. But I'm finished here I want my parents & Jackie to be close. I want to be able to drive to their house for Thanksgiving & Christmas or vice versa. I want to be able to meet them for dinner. When I get married & my husband & I have our first fight I want to be able to go to my parents house. I want to be able to have cookouts for the fourth of July. When I have my first baby & I have no clue what in the hell I am doing I want my mom to be able to be there when I cannot for the life of me figure out why they are crying, not 15 hours away. I know it sounds crazy to be thinking of this, but it was once something Kristen said to me & the more I think about it the more I realize it to be true. Some people are able to live without their families & only see them on holidays & special occasions, I however am starting to see that I don't think I can be one of those people. With all of that said, I feel a little better, not much, but a little because I know that I'll be home on Saturday & that will make a world of difference, but for now at least -- that is all I want to do. Dorothy really had it right, there really is no place like home, if only I had a pair of little red shoes that could get me there faster....

Love, Me